How to (Not) Support a Friend in Crisis

Mental Health of a Loved One - Dos and Don'ts

People are confusing under the best of circumstances. For someone without experience with mental illness, the appropriate ways to support someone who is mentally ill is mind-boggling. It is confusing even for people who are suffering. Each person and each diagnosis is different. That's where it becomes even more confusing. Some dos and don'ts will help you see things are not as complicated as they feel.

​It's in the Reaction

​People's reactions to my emotions have, in many ways, been more damaging than the traumatic experiences themselves. At one point it was impossible for me to ask for help and I self-isolate when I am sad. These coping mechanisms have interfered with a lot.

Unfortunately, ​I am more the rule than the exception. Among groups, friends, and forums I have been participated in, both as a young adult and researcher, it is the same for a tremendous amount of people. If you want to be helpful to the young adult in your life,

Please, Don't Say or Do These:

• Point out if what is upsetting the young woman or man happened a long time ago. That doesn't matter. It still hurts, so it is relevant to the time time and space you take with your young adult friend.
• Tell your friend what they ​need to do to recover or force your remedies on them unless you have a Doctorate in a related field. Suggestions are fantastic (depending on how they are posed). But the only thing someone with a mental illness needs to do is to recover in a healthy environment.
• Suggest to them "everybody has problems" or some equivalent statement. A mental illness is an illness, not an everyday problem. A broken bone isn't treated in the same way as a bruise. It isn't going away in a few days, nor is it just stress.
• Ever tell your loved one to "get over it,” "just push through" their mental illness. They would if they could. Nobody wants to be mentally ill. Don’t make judgments, thinking the young person in your life just has to “want to get better”.
• Let yourself feel pressure to solve your friend's problems or cure their mental status. You can support them, no matter what. But you can't fix your friend or loved one, they aren't broken. Do not be hard on yourself over something you can not control. If you're reading this, you are already doing a part by educating yourself.​

"I Don't Know What to Say"

It may not seem like it from the previous section, but there is so much more you can do to help a friend who suffers from any mental illness than to harm them at any point. You can make an immense difference in anyone's outlook, even if for a day. To some of your friends, one day may seem an infinity.

"I don't know what to say" or "I don't know what to do" are common responses to my stories or when I try to talk to people. I'm guessing it happens during any trauma. I would love it if everyone knew:
​

• You don't have to say or do anything. Be present. This is imperative. If you don't know what to say or do, doing nothing is an option. I don't mean walk out the door, I mean nothing. If you are with your friend and something serious or triggering comes up for them, and they don't ask you to leave, have a seat. Be absolutely present in the moment with them.  It's a tough thing to do. But it will be appreciated.
• Ask your young friend "How can I help?". Don't ask a lot of questions if they don't want to talk. This goes for any time of day, just because. If you regularly check in with the young adult in your life, they will be more likely to talk to you when they need to.
• Research the specific mental illness your loved one is fighting with. You will be better prepared, for both of you. Progress is lightning in the study of the brain; there may be some things the young woman or man who has the diagnosis is unaware of. Your friend will feel good, with the knowledge that you care about them and are invested in their health.
• When you ask how they are, don't do it to be polite. Be there. Pay attention. Truly listen. People can tell if you are involved with the conversation by your body language, the expression on your face, and the relevance of your responses. If you aren't going to pay attention, your friend isn't going to want to confide in you. Being heard is empowering. So is listening.
• Tell the young person in your life what you admire about them or what you appreciate them for. Let them know that any way they are feeling is the right way, no matter what anyone says.
• Most of all, inform them they have a friend no matter what they say. Again and again, just be there.

That's why supporting a young adult through a mental illness is more simple than it seems.

Just be there. ​